Brother-in-law

"I'm your jerk brother-in-law. I begged to borrow your boat to go bass fishing this weekend but I have no interest in fish. My interest is with impressing the beach babes on shore (wink). I'm just trying to compensate for a bald spot, a beer gut and a total lack of personality. My best move is to take this bad boy to full throttle and separate some waves. I over do it, losing total control heading directly towards the dock. Its unavoidable. Now the babes have left and your boat is nothing but camp fire scraps. Your cut rate insurance might not cover this so get Allstate and be better protected from mayhem...like me."

"I'm a Grandfather Clock..."

"I'm a Grandfather clock strapped to the roof of a car. Tick-tock, tick-tock. Some kind Grandson is moving me to his dear old Mee Maw's sweet, new retirement pad. The problem is lil' Petey didn't take the time to tie me down tightly and I'm feeling a little loose. Now I'm an antique projectile heading for your windshield. When I collide with your car, it's going to do some serious damage. If you've got cut rate insurance you might not be covered for an event like this. Its only a matter time before you'll be struck. So get Allstate and protect yourself from mayhem...like me".

The times they are a changing

I'm out there when you least suspect it. Hiding, waiting. You never know when I'm going to strike and I come in many forms.

I'm the hot babe jogging down your street trying to keep my god given assets at a 10. I'm the self-involved teen texting my BFF as I swerve through traffic. I'm the old oak tree desperately waiting for a gust off wind to tip me over on to your home.

You don't ever want to encounter me. If you do, you better be prepared. Take today for instance. I'm a leaky pipe in the basement, drip, drip. I've been ignored for sometime. Finally, I burst. The water is rising and now your basement looks like a child's waterpark. Better get the snorkel and flippers ready or just get better protection from Mayhem...like me.